Re-Visioning
First Draft
It was when I was beginning my senior year in high school that I met Mr. Golden he is a wonderful man, because his eyes always were glowing with that light of caring in his eyes. He was also kind of tall, probably about six foot five or six foot six inches tall.
There he was my first day of my first period of English and all I am trying to do is keep my eyes open and stay awake. Sleeping in class was what I did a lot of in my junior year English class. And he saw me and shouts. “Mr. Lewis, I promise not to fall asleep when you speak if you promise not to fall asleep on me. Ya hear me, boy?”
Well, I just should’ve already learned my lesson from that one time but the next day I come into class and can’t keep my eyes open. That day, he shouts, “…
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Revision #1I met Mr. Golden my senior year of high school. His eyes glowed with that light of caring. He was also six foot five or six foot six inches tall.
He taught my first period of English. On the first day, I could not stay awake. I slept a lot in my junior year English class.
“Mr. Lewis,” he shouted, “I promise not to fall asleep when you speak, if you promise not to fall asleep on me. Ya hear me, boy?”
I wish I had learned my lesson, but, the next day in class, again I could not keep my eyes open.
Again he shouted, “…
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Revision:- What impression do I give? How can I make that impression more effective?
- Don't try to do too much at once. Stay focused on a narrow topic.
- What is the significance of this anecdote to me? Do I give the proper impression of importance?
- Decide why you are including this information.
- Are there more interesting details I have not included?
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Colonel Goliath (Further Revision)I slept through my junior year of high school. I slept in English. I slept in Math. I slept in History. I could not keep my attention on any subject because I was having too much fun with my friends and with alcohol every day after school. Then, the first day of my senior year, I met Mr. Golden.
He bowed his head when he entered first period English in order to keep from scraping his head on the top of the doorframe. His big right hand carried our 600-page textbook as if were no larger than a hot-wheels car. His footsteps dented the floor. My head lay on the flat, wooden desktop.
“Mr. Lewis,” he shouted immediately. I think the walls shook. “I promise not to fall asleep when you speak, if you promise not to fall asleep on me.”
I snapped to attention. The next day, however, as soon as class began, my head was dropping toward the desktop.
“Mr. Lewis,” he shouted again. “In the hall. Now!”
I pulled myself up from my chair, trudged past my classmates, and into the hall. Colonel Goliath followed behind me, breathing down my neck. I silently composed my last will and testament. (“I hereby leave my compact disc collection to my older brother, Paul. I hereby leave my guitar to my best friend, Johnny…”) I wondered whether Mr. Golden would kill me simply or creatively. I imagined a blunt, devastating blow to the head. I hoped my parents would sue.
“Mr. Lewis,” he said after staring at me for what seemed like months, “Are you okay?”
“Huh?” I replied.
“Do you have any medical problems I should know about?”
“Whatever,” I said.
“Personal problems?” His eyes met mine. ”You cannot pass my class if you sleep in it. You cannot graduate from high school if you don't pass my class. If you don't graduate from high school, you'll have to take my class again. If you take my class again, and sleep through it, I will fail you again. I will fail you as many times as you want me to. You carry yourself like a smart guy, Alex. You see how stupid sleeping in my class is.”
“Maybe,” was all I could think to say. He was not angry. He was sincere. His eyes told me that he was genuinely, strangely upset that I might waste my life. He cared about my well-being.
“You make your choices, Alex, but I want you to know that if I can help in any way, I will. All you have to do is talk to me.”
I said nothing.
“Today, you must stand up throughout the class. That should keep you awake. Have you understood what I have said?”
“Yes… Yes, Sir.” I surprised myself with the tone in my voice.
Five weeks later, I stumbled drunkenly into Mr. Golden’s office…
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